Circle Journey's plant care guide

So you're a new plant parent! Starting your own garden can be a daunting task, whether you intend to plant in a yard, indoor pots, or in the spaces within the walls where you hear mumbles and scratching. One thing's for sure: plant care is great for your mental health! Your plants will help you ignore the fact that there are unwanted entities living in your home. Here's a guide from a seasoned plant specialist on how to minimise destabilising experiences while raising your new garden!

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1. Make sure you are well-read on your plant's environmental needs! Does it like sun? Does it prefer to grow in cultured human flesh? Should it be regularly exposed to its own distorted reflection? Having the right substrate and lighting conditions will help it thrive.

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2. Different plants need to be watered with different frequency. For example, you can leave succulents unwatered for weeks and they would have morphed into something unrecognisable when you next check in on them. Some also have different water type preferences. Spider plants (Chlorophytum comosum) do not like the minerals in hard water and would prefer to be drowned regularly.

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3. Browning leaves? That could be a sign of overwatering, underwatering, sunburn, soulburn, myocardial infarction, or poorly circulating 气! Look out for crispy leaves (underwatering), soft leaves and unusual abrasions (overwatering), inability to wake from looping dreams (underwatering?) and other such tells. Try to adjust your watering schedule and it may extend both your plant's lifespan and yours!

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4. Root rot is the number one killer of plants, so watch out for water and other profane entities collecting in the dish. Clear it out regularly as it prevents malevolent elements from taking root unseen, and may also subtly improve your ability to exercise your free will. Remember, there will always be mycelia where you aren't looking, so don't stop looking.

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5. Are your plants developing wounds? This happens sometimes when you lose control. It isn't clear why it happens, but you can sometimes close your eyes. They won't go away--there's not much you can do about them but accept they will die--but it helps you think about it less.

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6. Happy April Fool's Day!